Tuesday, June 26, 2007

met my psychiatrist yesterday and today my councillor in the afternoon. I can't help but feel heavy.. my mid year results grades are already fixed.. VR all the way.. I wonder.. what makes me.. so weak today.. so lost of confidence.. at first i felt like the drive was coming back after my sis spent so much time, energy and effort to cheer me back up.. bit by bit she did.. bit by bit i told myself i must study though i lost someone i loved dearly as she said she was better and able to recover faster this way... Yet my own fault.. because of a lack of communication.. a communication whereby it was my sister not wanting to make his trouble brother worry.. broke down.. and that.. make me reactions terrible.. I felt unbearable.. I was lost at what was going on... all i knew was... drink.. drink like you are drinking graveyard and the pain should take you away.. and if you read it carefully.. it's pain... not drunk.. For that it was what hurt my sister.. i still remember it clearly.. one bus stop before departing.. she type on the phone.. "you might as well kill me".. till today...i remember those words and the disappointed and hurt look.. I feel remoreseful.. yet.. i seem to not get another chance of forgiveness anymore.. Today.. is a day.. i for 4 times looked forward to.. and for 4 times.. all were shattered.. Once was last year august.. another was december.. later was april.. then next was may... but all four was shattered.. I guess I shall say to the Lord "I praise you in this storm.. O Lord I will praise you as tough times may be.."

My psychiatrist.. he said.. she is right.. you are a glass ball.. though transparent and pure.. yet fragile and weak.. you are very smart.. you have big dreams.. but i tell you.. you won't get it.. until u change ur character.. I want you to be a gang4 tie3 (steel ball)..
My tutor said.. you are so different from the other students i taught.. your simplicity makes others love you.. your purity makes you love others truely.. and most importantly.. at just your age.. you know what you want.. and you want them for the people around you that you love.. Being a doctor isn't really for yourself.. but to save others(family) you choose to take it.. does your other half know? I replied "yes she knows, i did explain why too.. even the part in trying to save flower".. he continues.. you are indeed different.. responsibility and the simplicity of true care and love.. I really wish to help you.. I dun want to see you fail at anything.. I tasted a drop in my results in the first year of university.. I dun wish to see you not get your dreams.. I know this is the biggest turning point in your life time.. Indeed I agree.. And for these people i know.. I shall not disappoint.. for the people I care and love.. I shall save.. for the one that is to stand beside me in front of the pastor.. I shall make her proud.. Today.. is my birthday.. a day of heaviness but a day of a dragon raoring.. a day where the angel shalll fly once more..

fly.away.pig
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