Friday, August 25, 2006

Today many questions pass by me again.. my mates texting me about going back.. The reputable Fist of iron.. Given up so much.. his game.. his fighting... his assets.. to just be an ordinary kid.. But then i look back again and I seem to ponder.. am I an ordinary kid today?

Life made easier? Haha somehow i made life easier and complicated again haha. There's so much i want to do, so high scores to achieve. Something i didn't tell mr lin is.. Div wants 83.75 out of 90 and 91.25 our of 100 for his A levels. I want to get a scholarship too. I want my girl to be proud of me and let others know her boyfriend is a scholar. When we grow up I want to get a job that I can give my girl a comfortable life and my parents an enjoyable retirement. When people ask her, what's your husband's occupation, I want her to reply with a happy and confident smile "It's a lecturer/psychiatrist/Assitant Vice-President of a company.

Div has been doing badly for this stream of test. Actually to me, it's good because it makes my desire to do well even stronger. I'm hungry for positions. Moreover since i'm only activated till 60% capacity, I dun believe if I reach at least 90% capacity I cannot get As and Bs.

Think i'll be really broke after teacher's day.. really.. my this month allowance dried le.. still left 5 more presents to buy.. oh gosh.. I did a slight counting.. And realise i still have 1k+ trapped in games and I can only recover around 300.. As for money others owe me.. It has fallen to 1K.. so in total.. I'm suppose to be 1.3k richer but haiz.. all trapped all over the place.

I'm actually running out of ideas to do for her and talk to her. Yet she's still pretty quiet. Really don't know what to do at times.

I really hope she'll open up and talk more to me. Am I that hard 2 comunicate with? I'm already trying hard to understand her.. but.. It's been rather one way.
Sometimes i wonder is it my fault, not noeing how 2 love her better? I dun know how she feels or wat i did wrong. I only noe how 2 b de quiet angel 2 sit beside her N cast my wings 2 give her warmth.

Maybe she doesn't feel so but I realise I dun understand her well enough though i'm trying 2. However i'm like not given the chance 2 understand her better. Honestly, I haven't been able 2 really go out with her, study together, do things we like N try 2 understand her.

I can't help but wonder is it my punishment from god 4 being such a hua hua gong zhi in de past that now; when i'm so serious in her, deeply in love with her, tat every path is so difficult 2 take. God I want 2 how 2 love her better. Though I noe tat a christian can only b with another christian as misunderstandings n conflicts might arise due 2 difference in beliefs n culture but still is dere no other way? I love her but yet I can't seem 2 accept you. There are just too many scars in my heart and soul tat I can't step out of my past of buddism and accept christianity again. It's really so much struggling.. Struggling 2 b accepted by her mum n accept u. Struggling 2 noe how 2 love her better n yet not let her noe my despair n sorrow.. It's really tiring.. I duno wat 2 do.. God can u help me find the way? or will another monk enlighten me again like a few years back.. but watever happens.. My love 4 her won't change. Darling, if u ever get 2 read dis, just want 2 let u noe i'll never leave u for i love you so much i'll never let u go. You're my forever love <3

fly.away.pig
______________________